PIPEinArgentina.com

Bunk’s column, Around the World with Bunk Johnson, appears every Sunday on PIPEinArgentina. His first article, “The Chinatown Bus”, is based on a real experience.

This weekend I went to Washington DC to attend the 17th annual FWC (Fraudulent Writer’s Conference). I covered the event for PIPEinArgentina, the low paying company I work for. With a travel budget of thirty dollars, I had one way to get there: the Chinatown bus.

A round trip ticket from Philadelphia to Washington DC is 28 dollars, a great value if you consider Greyhound charges almost double that. And forget about Amtrak. Although the train is far more pleasant, the average price of a round trip ticket is 120 dollars. So if you work for a cheap company like PIPEinArgetina (and you need to cover a story outside of Philadelphia, PA), then the Chinatown bus is your best option.

Why is a ticket so cheap then?

For starters the bus left the terminal 45 minutes late. When I asked the man at the ticket office why the bus was so late, he said “because the driver said”. Satisfied with this explanation, I took a seat in terminal and read my March copy of ANALOG: Science Fiction and Fact.

When the bus finally arrived and I got on it, the first thing I noticed – besides that the driver looked sixteen – was the smell. It was a powerful and lingering stink, a cross between body odor and urine. Normally, my nose acclimates to those scents, but not this time. Have I smelled worse? Sure, but nothing quite as persistent as CT bus funk.

It was hard to sleep on the bus, especially since the lights stayed on the entire trip. I was able to talk on my cell phone though. Unlike Greyhound, which doesn’t allow cell phone use, the Chinatown bus doesn’t mind it. Just don’t talk to the driver for any reason.

I soon realized that everybody on the bus qualified for a Lifetime mini-series (not that I ever watched one). Two seats across from me, a fourteen year old couple argued and then made-up, clawing at each other before declaring deep love in altering fifteen minute periods. Next to Romeo and Juliet a woman who looked forty made out with a guy at least half her age. It was one of the few occasions where I felt comfortable being me. A trip on the Chinatown bus will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Also, language learners are encouraged to ride. The less provocative passengers bantered in Russian, Spanish, Hebrew and French. And for the entire trip, a woman answered calls in a mixture of Frisian and Danish.

Twice the bus stopped. Each time it felt unexpected. The first time, the sixteen-year-old driver said something in Chinese. I think he was looking for Baltimore, but got off at the wrong exit. To hide his mistake he bought a pack of cigarettes at the mini-mart. He did this casually, like he was following standard protocol. The second stop actually was Baltimore.

When the bus arrived in DC, the driver let half the passengers out and then made an impressive K-turn on I street while the second wave of passengers got off. Fortunately, there were no accidents. Total travel time was fifteen minutes faster than Greyhound’s best effort albeit much less predictable.

In all seriousness, Chinatown Bus companies offer inexpensive and convenient trips to New York, Washington DC and Philadelphia. You never know what could happen, but for less than fifteen dollars a ticket, who cares.

-Bunk Johnson

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Tags: Bunk Johnson, Chinatown Bus